Allen Gazaway

Ah. Coming out formally. I think I was 15…16. Whoa. It was interesting. I had my first experience with a guy. Did that. And then I questioned myself: “Whoa, what was that?” And it felt right. But when I came out of that I went back into the reality of this is the world that I live in, and according to this, that world isn’t supposed to be OK. So, how do I navigate this now? 

The way I did it—this is weird—I wrote my mom a letter. Normally when I get into my feelings I like to shut down. As I process everything through and try to figure it all out, I then eventually open back up. And when that happened, it was one of the first times I really had to process something.

I wrote all the details into that letter: ‘Hey, I’ve had this experience, I don’t know what it means, but you know it’s where I’m kind of leaning towards. I hope you don’t change your feelings towards me, etc.’ 

And she came back with: “I already knew. I’m your mom. I already know this. I still love you so this is nothing.”

Weights lifted off of my shoulders.

Since my momma approved, nobody else could touch me. We’re not supposed to idolize any person in human form, but the closest person I idolized was my mom. She was the closest person to God that I would know in human.

And then I had the realization that I was still me. Nothing has changed, so then why would anything else change? I’ve still been connected—, I had that spiritual connection. I realized I’d faced my fear of what the outside world would think.