Bo Sanchez

Brother Bo Sanchez is a Catholic preacher based out of Manila in the Philippines. Around the globe, he is known as “the preacher in blue jeans.” I met Brother Bo in his home in Manila and he shared with me his journey from shame to a life of joy.

Bo was molested as a child on two occasions, once by a cousin and once by a church youth leader. Brother Bo never acknowledged or worked through those violations when they happened, nor for many years after. But he grew up with a deep sense of shame that he never understood. Even as he began his career as an evangelist and preacher and was earning great praise externally, his internal life made him feel unworthy and less-than. Brother Bo speaks openly about the addiction to pornography that he developed to cover the pain of his shame, and a bigger, more problematic addiction of pleasing people.

This led me to explore the topic of shame both from a spiritual and psychological lens. I found useful content from Robert D. Caldwell, M.Div. in an essay he wrote about healing shame. Guilt is when a person believes the action they took was bad. When a person believes they are inherently bad, shame is what they feel. Shame can make a person feel that they have no power to get rid of the feeling; they feel unloved because they are unlovable.

Jim Seckman, the Spiritual Director (and former CEO and clinical director) of an Atlanta-based men’s recovery center called MARR, wrote a helpful explanation of how we come to have feelings of shame: “Shame is not something that we are born with; it is something that is given to us or inflicted on us. In a shame-based family or system, anxiety, anger, and other members’ own shame, are projected (‘dumped’) onto the weaker members (typically children). This can occur through emotional abuse, physical abuse, punishment that focuses on character, or verbal abuse of negative and shaming messages. In shame-bound families and systems there are certain rules:

Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.

You should know how to act (even though no one ever tells you).

Always be in control."

I can relate to Brother Bo—not in the experience of being molested—but in the carrying of shame. I cannot fully explain it, but for many years I felt like a mistake, that I should not have been born. It took a lot of work in therapy and in my spiritual journey to realize this was a lie and that I was more than worthy of being here. One teaching that helped me came from my friend Kenn Day who is a 49 shaman in Cincinnati. He explained a teaching that the decision of seven ancestors is required for a child to be born. Hence, no child born can be a mistake.

Unfortunately, many people have very clear reasons for their shame linked to abuse, but never identify the source of it, or, discover how to heal it. For many people, the first time they become aware that shame is driving their life is through addictions. Jim Seckman goes on to explain the connection between shame and addiction:  Many people have identified that shame was a major contributor for them to begin using alcohol or drugs. In an effort to avoid the emotional distress of shame and fear of exposure, they began to numb themselves and seek safety within the disease. However, addiction is a ‘shame generator.’ Not only does it not alleviate our pain, it creates more. We feel shame and so we use, but since we cannot control the process and do things that are inconsistent with what we believe and our self-image, we experience shame, which causes more emotional distress, which leads to more use. The shame just keeps ‘pumping’ into us.

I have met many people (mainly men) who are, or have been, addicted to porn. I, myself, once bought a new, more powerful computer with the express purpose of being able to watch porn. I did not descend into that rathole because one week later, before I even got the new computer connected to the internet (it was 1997!), I started working with a therapist on the issues that were going to be covered up by the use of porn. And I can certainly relate to Brother Bo’s statement that he was addicted to pleasing people. In my case, it was more likely an addiction to being important and being right—both are reliant on external validations.

The message Brother Bo Sanchez brings to me and to us is that each of us is loved unconditionally and has a place in this world. Brother Bo uses the language of God and Christianity to describe this love, and, I believe this love is the birthright of every human and all of creation. It makes me smile every time I hear Brother Bo’s interview and he says he cannot remember exactly when it happened but he realized that God didn’t just love him but He liked him, He enjoyed him, He liked all of him.

I let go of my shame sometime in these past 20 years as well. I learned that there was no spiritual possibility that I was a mistake, and that I had work to do in this world that only I could do. As a professional coach once suggested to me, the more helpful and humble I became, the more I could be of service to others and get outside of myself. This cycle only increased my self-esteem and allowed me to release shame.

I am grateful to Brother Bo Sanchez for speaking so openly about his sexual abuse, his shame, his addiction, and his road to healing.