V. Shantakumar

I was always a hedonist. And I still think I am. I like the idea of, you know, pleasure, and I like the idea of good things in life. But I think I’ve managed to get to a point where I can distinguish between that which is pleasurable and that which is beneficial. That power of discrimination takes a little time to arrive at, which means that knowing the difference, or knowing something is great and pleasurable to have, or to do, or whatever. But is it beneficial? And it’s not just beneficial to me, but if it is beneficial to other people around me. My actions are somewhat determined by that. 

In the earlier days, my conscience was rational. It was informed by convenient choices and political choices that I made to look good, to impress people, to be engaged and yet be Mr. Cool. That was what I was. 

But this is more vulnerable. This is a place where you get hurt more easily. This is a place where you can get angry more easily. But you know that. You can see it. It is almost like you’re witnessing yourself every day and you’re seeing who you are from a very interesting filter.

And I think that to me is God, because I don’t think of God as being judgmental at all. I don’t think God sits in judgment on anybody, or on anything. I think God—he, she, or it—sits and provides you a filter that you can look at yourself and say, “Son...daughter...look at yourself. This is you. Now how do you like yourself right now?” And I like that about me at the moment. That I am able to be vulnerable, or able to be hurt, without having to necessarily put up a pretense about it on the one hand, and at the same time not react to it on the other, as I might have done earlier. I’m looking at it as a process of simulation of learning, and growth, and moving forward. So that’s how I see myself nowadays, versus then.